I eat like a child.

Proof.
The picture above was taken during a recent shopping trip. In my fridge right now there are jelly pots, orange drinks (the ones in pouches that you put in lunchboxes), Billy Bear sausage meat, Pepperami, and the best of all – Frubes.
Frubes are amazing. An amalgamation of ‘fromage frais’ and ‘tube’, it’s exactly what you’re picturing – probably – a healthy fruity yoghurt in a tube-like packet. Three flavours. Three wonderful flavours. My favourite is peach, but there’s also strawberry and forest fruits, and you get three in each pack.
Wait, what?
What do you mean, wrong?
Oh, shit, you’re right.
FOREST FRUITS IS GONE AND HAS BEEN REPLACED BY CHERRY.
I buy Frubes every week (2 for 1 offer at Tesco, ding dong) and so when I opened my newest pack and dug out the familiar trio of red, orange and purple, I was aghast. Pink? What the fuck is this shit? Purple’s my favourite colour, godamnit, give me my forest fruits!
I scrambled back to the packaging and looked for something I’d missed. They must have running a trial of a new flavour – there would be an appropriate email address that I could contact and say “I want my forest fruits back, you cocks”.
That’s when I saw, right in the corner, unassuming and innocent, the contents of the pack: 3x Strawberry, 3x Cherry, 3x Peach. They hid it right in the middle, like nobody would notice. There’s nothing else on the packaging, least of all the apology I feel I deserve. I’ve been misled! This isn’t Frubes! What if you went and bought Frosted Flakes and you opened it and there was chocolate on them? And the front just said ‘frosted flakes with chocolate lol’ like it had always been that way? You’d feel lied to. LIED TO!
LIED TO!
I didn’t know what to do next, but ended up searching online. Typed in ‘cherry frubes’. And … NOTHING. No outcry, no backlash. Where have all the Frube fans gone? I want my forest fruits!
So now I think I’m going mad. Did forest fruits ever exist? Have they fallen into the crack along with Rory? (Ooh, spoilers.) Am I alone invulnerable to the effects of the memory wipe because of my treasured forest fruits memories? Can anyone explain this to me? Does anyone else miss forest fruit frubes?
…
Okay, here’s why this blog post is important to you. I got the internet back yesterday, which means instead of waiting to form coherent blogs on musical influence, critique and the value of personal freedom, I can go back to chatting shit about yoghurt. As a reward to you for remaining patient while I was sans connection, I present to you the nerdfighter Tube Map, a present for Hank Green’s 30th birthday, downloadable in wallpaper size so we can always have Hanko De Mayo in our hearts:

(click to download the full size image)
x

