I’m nine minutes into a documentary entitled ‘Macheads’. It’s full of the most sycophantic fucking twats I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve already seen, so far: people with Apple logo tattoos, people who say they “have never knowingly slept with a Windows user”, and one astonishing woman who prefaced her VT by saying “today we’re going to talk about the Apple Macintosh, and how it makes ALL THINGS POSSIBLE”.
The only conclusion I can draw is that Apple must have commissioned this film themselves. It’s the only way it can make sense for it to be this disgustingly pro-Apple. Surely nobody outside of the company would have approved this? Or maybe, at some point, the documentary maker (who has remained unseen and unheard up to this point) will walk in front of the screen and say ‘DON’T BE LIKE THESE PEOPLE’, and that’s the point of it. I can’t fathom the idea that this documentary was made to legitimately celebrate the Apple community. It doesn’t. I love Apple, but I’m fucking terrified of every Mac user I’ve seen in this film, with their weird declarations of how Steve Jobs “knows what we need before WE do” (genuine quote).
The woman on the train just came over the tannoy, rather urgently saying “apologies to all passengers in Coach C – I’ve just found out all the lights have gone out in the coach. I’ll try to find out what’s happened and get that fixed as soon as possible.” I laughed out loud. I wonder how long they’ve been like that? They’re all British, so nobody would have said anything. They’d have all just sat in the dark, mumbling about the lackluster service on First Great Western, not knowing if anyone is even around to hear them.
That said, the view’s probably better through the window without the light reflecting your own face back at you. Well, it wouldn’t be for me. OOH A JOKE
Macheads is now showing some old Apple adverts. This, I can get down with. My favourite part of the hiring process when I applied for a job at Apple was the bit where we got to watch all their old adverts in order. That sounds sarcastic, but it isn’t, I genuinely loved it, I don’t care what you think.
Here are the lyrics to The World Is Mine (I Don’t Know Anything):
My strings are broken and my heart is out of tune
I wanted quiet but all I see is you
I don’t know anything
I stumbled forward and you let me walk away
We both know I’ll be running back to you someday
I don’t know anything
The earth is spinning but my feet are standing still
And the wind is biting but I’m fighting off the chill
I don’t know anything
So let’s pretend for just one minute
The world, the world, the world, the world
The world is mine but you’re not there
They say time’s a healer but my watch can’t tell the time
The left hand’s stuck six months ago and I can’t find the right
I don’t know anything
The pen is stronger than any sharpened sword
But everything I write to you makes me feel like a fool
I don’t know anything
I feel like I can do anything
Why don’t you understand
Why don’t you see what I could be
Why can’t you see
I’d trade in the world for you
I’m now being told that the Mac was “a force to fight beige banality”. I’m fourteen minutes in. Orchestral music is trying to stir my cynical Vulcan brain.
I hope I get to Charlie’s soon.
EDIT: Gave up at 17:39. I can’t begin to describe how inane this ‘documentary’ is to watch. If you’re interested in watching idiots talking about all the AMAZING THINGS their computers can do, like MAKING MUSIC (:O) and DESIGNING T-SHIRTS (!) and BEING NOT WINDOWS (!!) and talking about the Mac ‘revolution’ like they’re in the pissing Rebel Alliance, you STILL won’t get anything out of Macheads, because as well as all that, it’s also a fucking load of toss.
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